This was a parody that I wrote during my last year — roughly May 2009 — in the United States Army. They had just given us soldiers access to Facebook and Twitter on the government computers at work.
Much less to say, it was quite interesting...and I sent this email out — on government computer, mind you — to my entire platoon at Fort Leavenworth.
Enjoy.
"Army twittering into the future"
By Rosa Corrales
USA Today
The old-fashioned way of military recruiting is about to change as starting May 29, the US Army is allowing social-networking internet sites such as Facebook and Twitter to be used by both soldiers and civilians on government computers.
The Army has allowed this, according to Major General Rufus Hackbarth, US Army Recruiting Commander, in order for "soldiers to present a true view of the military; its lifestyle, its demands and its benefits, all in the voice of the boots on the ground."
This is a drastic change in direction from previous policy, where the military services were known to dishonorable discharge and incarcerate soldiers who had used government computers simply to check Yahoo e-mail.
However, despite this new approval from higher-ups, some senior leaders are not very comfortable with the idea of "Twittering" and "Facebooking." Command Sergeant Major Barney Simmons of the 4th Infantry Division in Fort Hood, Texas, strongly disagrees with it.
"We already have too many children in our armed forces who think that war is "Call of Duty 4," Simmons said. "It's like giving poo to the monkeys to throw at people in the zoo. We are just asking for soldiers to lie, fabricate, and discourage other meat from joining the Army."
Simmons also questioned how Army recruiters will be able to do their job with the entire military force now able to express their opinions on service.
"What are our recruiters good for now?" Simmons said. "What ever happened to a recruiter being able to lie through his or her teeth and get that prospect?"
Due to the possibility of soldiers lying about how the Army really is on Twitter, it could strip the power base from recruiters, Simmons said.
"Numbers will go down, without a doubt," he said.
Simmons was asked if he had a Facebook account that he would access while on duty.
"Yes, my wife set one up for me," Simmons said. "It was for us to keep in contact while deployed. I'm addicted to sending drinks to people."
The realities about U.S. military service — and soldiers expressing those realities via Facebook — are not ones that the general public wants to hear, Simmons said.
"You want the truth? I don't think the American public wants the truth," Simmons said. "We drink, we screw, we get rodded, we have illegitimate babies. Then, we drink some more! Then we get the clap again! You think anyone wants to be a part of that?"
Those very reasons could explain the military meeting its recruiting goals for the month of May.
