Crop-dusting the guv.....how long till they blame Two-Face?......the return of the bearkittens

Here we are again.

I'm reading the paper this morning and come to find that the acid attack in Washington State was a hoax. That some scary black woman truly didn't throw acid in that woman's face.

I always find it amusing that the perpetrator is of a black description. Why do they have to be black, hmm? Oh, I forgot....our deeply ingrained prejudice hasn't disappeared in America. People just hide it better now. Plus, all blacks look alike, right? Easier to blame that some white trash you may have to actually describe.

ABOVE: Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland tells Hispanic youth that he won't arrest Dora should she show up in Ohio.

If I need to explain the sarcasm to you, get the hell off my blog.

Anyways, it got me to thinking. Friends and family of this dumb bitch said they are worried about her "mental state". How long till they decide that really wasn't her fault that she disfigured herself with acid, but that it was actually the villain from Batman named Two-Face?

We have a wonderful tendency in our country to blame everyone but ourselves. It was McDonald's fault that I didn't know coffee was hot and I spilled it on my vagina. It was Doom's fault that I shot up a school full of kids.

How about, hey, I'm fucked up! It's my fault I'm fucked up!

Nah, makes too much sense.

Instead, it will be easier for some crazy woman to claim that because Two-Face had acid thrown in his face, and was such a mysterious, cool, complex character, that it is his fault, and the Batman comic books in general, that she wanted to be so much like him.

Fucking bullshit. Accountability has become a dirtier word than pussy in our current culture.....

I covered the appearance of Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland at Cincinnati's Hispanic Fest last weekend. Actually got to interview the man for a couple of minutes. Loved his ridiculous answers to shit.

Me- "How has your afternoon been here at the Hispanic Fest?"

Strickland - "It's been good. Diversity is one of Ohio's strengths. I've always said that if you shrunk down the country, you would have Ohio. We are a melting pot."

Hmm....no shit, Sherlock. Every state is a melting pot, with maybe the exception of North Dakota. Please tell me something new, douche.

Best part, however, was me letting rip of a silent but deadly as I walked away from him. This is known is some circles as "crop-dusting". I failed to reveal this to my editor-in-chief, for I may never get assigned another story due to such antics.

It did feel good to make my stand against the man with some flatulence, though.

Maybe Strickland thought the smell was the sampling of refried beans he was eating. Which brings me to another point - why do politicians never eat an entire fucking meal? They go somewhere, a festival for instance, and sample shit. "Oh, I'll have one BBQ rib." or "Hey, a spoon of that coleslaw looks mighty good."

They never eat a full meal. They humor the vendor, act like their food is good, then proceed to spit it into a napkin later because it really tastes like shit. For once, I'd love to see a politician act like a real human and eat a fucking funnel cake with a turkey leg and a draft beer.

You say you're of the people? Fucking act like one.

I had contemplated not too long ago about running for sheriff of Hamilton County when I got back to the area. Felt that someone needed to give the porn Nazi Simon Leis a run for his money. What other county in this country has a 73 year-old sheriff? Any wonder shit is fucked up with the Sheriff's Office?

Has the thought of dementia crossed anyones mind?

Anyway, I decided not to. I have some law enforcement background, but not really enough to know what I would be doing if elected Sheriff. Sadly, if I ran I'd have a good chance to win, because folks are tired of the porn Nazi.

Guess even if I didn't know how to run the Sheriff's Office, it wouldn't be any different than it is now, I suppose. Give me your thoughts.

Well, I watched the destruction of my UC Bearcats the other night at the hands of NC State. The Bearkittens have returned. We had a good run, didn't we? Actually, the last 3 years felt more like a cock tease from that Judas Brian Kelly. He helped get us to the brink, then we unceremoniously lost two bowl games then the coach. Got UC fans all hyped up, then left us with the football equivalent of blue balls.

Thanks, Judas. Use your Notre Dame gold to buy a new conscience, asshole.

Butch Jones is tryin' his ass off, bless him. You are kinda screwed though when you are given an empty cupboard defensively and an Oompa-Loompa quarterback named Collaros. The Little Engine that Could only can in books, Butch.

And they have Oklahoma next? I thought of attending the game with my free student ticket. Instead, I figure my time will be better served by washing my car. I'm not about to buy $10 beers just to watch a 44-10 raping of UC. I'd rather dry off my car with a Sham-Wow....

Welcome back to irrelevancy, UC football. Thanks for stopping by and saying Hi.

-Spragoo

Quote of the Day: "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - late comedian Sam Kinison.

Shitty Twister....the Reds are falling apart.....where is my gun, "Jersey Shore" is on

Here is the eagerly-awaited debut of my blog (or so I have deluded myself into thinking).

Somehow found myself watching "Twister" on TBS at 4 this morning. I was brain-washed into previously thinking, like many others, that "Battlefield Earth" was the worst movie of all-time (edging "Waterworld" and leaving an indelible shit stain on Travolta forever).

After watching the newly-christened "Shitty Twister", however, my mind has changed.

I found myself glued like a fuckin' rubbernecker at a 3-car pileup to this damn movie. 2 hours of hopping in a truck, chasing tornadoes, tornadoes becoming pissed and chasing people, truck gets destroyed, people find new truck, sequence begins again.

How the fuck was this movie popular? Better yet, what did the state of Oklahoma do to Hollywood to have it decimated by an endless barrage of circling death on screen?

It was two hours, that while I was not doing anything better at the time besides scratching my ass, I still won't get back. Two hours I could have had later in life to shit myself in the hospital bed and laugh while the nurses sponge me down.

And to use Helen Hunt as the female heroine? What a twisted (no pun intended) character to have....."My papa died in a 'nado! Now I want to get these balls to fly around in one! It'll make me feel better!"

I've met slobbering hobos that could have written a better script that this shit heap.

Ok, enough on "Twister", which I also believe led to the slide into oblivion of Van Halen with their shitty song "Humans Being". Lord have mercy.

Now my rant on sports. I don't get a chance to write sports at the paper, and even if I did I would be low man on the totem pole and relegated to writing about tennis. Sorry, "40-love" is not in my vocabulary. It is the furthest thing from a sporting term. It describes more aptly Billy Dee Williams pouring some Colt .45 over a black booty in the club while he humps it.

Anyways, my Reds are looking like shit. I attended the game on Tuesday night, with the promotion being "Bark at the Park". You could bring your dog to the game, parade it on the field beforehand and let your mutt shit all over the emerald green grass of Great American Ballpark.

Might have looked better than my Reds did that night, possibly.

They are outta gas. Anyone with a set of pupils can see that. Rolen is hitting like shit, Phillips is hitting like shit, Gomes does nothing but tug at his fucking helmet 7 times between whiffing at 3 pitches, Cordero couldn't hack it in the Queen City softball league right now, etc., etc., etc.

They'll win the division, simply because the Cardinals suck more. Then, it will be 3 and out in the NLDS against whomever we play. Mark my words. Trust me, as a fan I do hope I eat those words and they win the whole thing.

I've got better chances, though, of bedding Jenna Jameson. And that's even with her being a whore.

Among some of the other senseless TV I gawked at in the early morning hours was "Jersey Shore". If I had a gun, I seriously think I would have shot the television. Fight, fuck and dance is all that show is. I guess its the most distilled form of human instinct on television, but seriously what do these people have to offer us? It's not like their lives are train wrecks that we can use to make ourselves feel better (shit, they are living high off the MTV hog), nor are they ugly (except for Ronnie who resembles a neanderthal).

So what is the appeal? Help me out. Reasons will be accepted.

Interestingly, the most irritating portion of the show are the personal interviews and how each person is always labeled at the bottom. Ok, I think I gathered after the first time Sammi "Sweetheart" was interviewed that it was her name. You don't have to show me every single fucking time.

Unless MTV is subtly hinting that their audience are as dumb as a box of rocks.

Which makes me a rock, at least this morning.

I'm going to finish up with my quote of the day. Can't guarantee they will be politically correct, but they will be inspirational....at least in making you feel better about the shit-heap someone dropped on your life's doorstep.

"Recycling and speed limits are bullshit. They're like someone who quits smoking on his deathbed." - from the film "Fight Club"

Keep your powder dry, folks.

Spragoo