The aural death of John Mayer and DMB...don't want quoted, don't talk...monster to tackle

Welcome again.

I'm a college student, for those of you unaware of my subversive activities. I frequent such areas on campus as a bookstore, a food court and convenient store.

And every goddamn time, it seems, the cliche of college is playing over the blasted Muzak in those places.

John Mayer and the Dave Matthews Band.

Please, give me an icepick to slam violently through my eardrums so I don't have to listen to this crap anymore.

Cliches abound in college. It will never fail that frat boys will have navy blue shirts with "College" written across them, aping John Belushi in "Animal House."

It is guaranteed that there will be one white guy that lost his caucasian identity and became the trendy, cracker rastafarian doppelganger of Bob Marley.

"Old School" is regarded as a classic of modern American cinema...

It never changes. It truly doesn't. I've had the (unfortunate?) opportunity to be a college student in two eras - the late 1990's, when Dave Matthews and his motley troupe of seasonings were really hitting primetime - and the 2010's, when Dave Matthews and his motley troupe of seasonings are STILL being used as some sort of swan song for college youth.

The lamb-like college youth, that is. The ones that think "Crash" makes them enlightened and earthy while they throw on Abercrumbie and Fitch made in some third-world sweatshop.

You know, the places where folks still shit in their rice paddies to fertilize them?

I'm tired of the Dave Matthews Band being the house performers for college stereo systems throughout the United States. If you want to be earthy, toss on the Dead's "Truckin'" and don't bathe for eight days.

That's earthy...and fucking disgusting. But that is an aside.

John Mayer, meanwhile, was just a tiny tot when Dave Matthews was paving the way for warbling voiced, pro-hemp charlatans. Like most kids, he probably figured the easiest way into that sorority girls vaporlocked panties was acoustic whining and quoting Will Ferrell from his SNL days.

Mayer has done well, it must be said. He convoluted DMB's style, sprinkled in some "wonderland" bullshit and before you know it?

BANG! Jessica Simpson.

BANG! Cameron Diaz.

BANG! Jennifer Aniston.

'Nuff said. The man found the perfect elixir of crotch-dampening lyrics, guitar work that couldn't even hold Jack Black's jock - yes, Mayer is that bad - and pointless tattoos for street cred. He has elevated himself past the now-vanilla Matthews.

But still sounds exactly like him. Which means he sounds like absolute shit.

Yet college kiddos love 'em. Sigh.

One of my other subversive activities is being the news editor of the student newspaper at the prestigious university I attend. It makes for very interesting conversations and stories...

It also makes for pissing folks off, too - one of the perks I really enjoy.

I did a story last week, where I quoted a media representative from a company owned by a prominent sports figure. Guy was a PR douche, in other words.

Asked a few questions of him regarding the story, he answered cordially, end of discussion.

Bridge just built.

So, forward to running the story. I used quotes from the email correspondence with PR douche. I end up the next day with PR douche emailing me, "horrified" that his comments were printed.

He wailed that I should have asked permission to use his quotes and that I "may have thought I was juicing up my story, but all that I really did was burn a bridge."

Oh, and the threat that word gets around about such - gasp -devious things that I do.

Shut....the.....fuck....up.

PR douche claimed he had been in journalism for 50 years. Yeah? Well, if that is the case then you know, dumb bastard, that if you don't tell me "don't quote me on that" or "it's off the record" that -GUESS WHAT? - I can use it.

Much less to say, he did none of those things. So I used his comments that were not favorably towards the sports figure he represents. The situation reeks of PR douche getting his ass ripped by said sports figure, getting pissed off and wanting to take it out on me.

Well I have news for you, sir.

I don't burn bridges. I nuke them with extreme prejudice.

And I will leave the pieces for YOU to rebuild, not I...especially when you are fucking wrong.

I'll close with a heartfelt thanks to those who expressed their support of my book idea about the effects of the detention camps in Guantanamo Bay, both on former guards and detainees.

I worked there for two years, so it gives me an inside view and perspective others lack. I tossed the idea out there and received more feedback on it than any other post I'd placed on Facebook...

Ever.

So, I will tackle the monster. A monster it is, and I may as well sign off on five years of my life in writing it.

Will it be worth it? Financially? Mentally?

Only time will tell, but one thing is for certain...the stories need to be told.

And the story is not about me.


-Spragoo

The curse of Mary Kay Letourneau returns...shirts or "Skins"?.....giving it 50 till the Running Man

The curse of Mary Kay Letourneau returns...

This photo is from the Cincinnati Enquirer, showing the walk of shame by soon-to-be former Mason High School teacher Stacy Schuler, who taught health and physical education to the youth of today.


And, allegedly, banged the hell out of five male students at the school...after getting them hammered, too.


Oy vey!


I'll say allegedly because she hasn't been convicted of a crime. I'll throw her that bone. But, you know what? It's my goddamn blog and I'll express my opinion about this rarity known as the female pedophile.


Look at her. She is 32 years old, a relatively attractive woman. I'm flabbergasted as to why she would stoop to bedding 15 to 18 year old boys.


Can anyone help me out here? She is too young to be considered a cougar...


I have my ideas. They may not be right, but I think they fall close to the mark.


Popularity.


Yessir, ole' Madam of the Night Schuler couldn't live without being the most popular in school...disregard the tiny fact she was essentially raping adolescents. She wanted to be wanted and talked about...mature relationships with other 30-somethings wasn't cutting the mustard. Most 30-somethings have moved past high school - popularity and being cool as shit don't feed the kids or pay the house payment.


Some, however, can't let go. Schuler seems to be one...no longer the center of attention amongst her peers, she delves into a pool of impressionable youth for her own self-gratification now.


It's fucking pitiful.


She is facing one to five years on each of the 19 felony counts of sexual battery and three counts of serving alcohol to minors she is charged with. I really hope that choosing these kids to make the beast with two backs was worth it all when she spends the rest of her prime in Marysville at the Ohio Reformatory for Women.


Rah, rah sis boom bah.


The students, meanwhile, ride out having lived the tawdry dream of getting hot for teacher...and sadly won't learn a damn thing from this mess. Sigh.


To quote the punk band the Misfits, "Children in heat, they have no conscience, no resistance."


How very true.


Speaking of teenagers, the new MTV show "Skins" just adds fuel to fires such as this. It glamorizes the lives of teenagers, putting their sexual exploits, drug use and all-around fucked-uppedness on display for a public that is more than willing to watch it.


Makes it...cool.


Why? Why do we watch it?


Seriously, I'm no prude. I'm not a proselytizing religious fanatic shouting a sermon on sin from my pulpit. But, I was a teenager once...I lived through similar shit.


What makes these fucking twits and their teenage angst so much more interesting than mine? What could they being going through that we as a society haven't experienced in our days of yore?


We've all known someone who had an eating disorder, used drugs, drank, had sex, smoked in the boys room, had uncool parents, oh bla de oh bla da.


Life goes on.


"Skins" is nothing special...just another whorish grab by the show's "stars" to make a cheap name for themselves. For MTV, it's another show to pull in the lobotomized viewers that get a fucking kick off shows that wallow in misery...hence the popularity of "16 and Pregnant" and other rubbish.


We are a society that craves disaster. We crave it like a junkie with their next injection of black tar heroin. It explains why family-oriented sitcoms have gone the way of the DeLorean and why primetime is filled with sociopathic plankton figuratively backstabbing and throatcutting the person next to them to get the recording contract, the million dollar prize or just their photo on OK! magazine and a few red-carpet invitations.


True, it has happened for almost three centuries in our country. It's just that we never televised or relished in it before.


Seeing the way this cultural phenomenon of "reality" is going, I give it no more than 50 years until we have a show similar to that of "The Running Man."


For you youngsters, it was a film starring Ah-nold Schwarzenegger and a then-hot Maria Conchita Alonso based on a Richard Bachman/Stephen King novel.


A novel that, written in 1982, tackled the idea of "reality TV" before it was even born. It's 2025 in the novel, the world's economy is utterly gutted (hmmm...) and violence is rising throughout the world (double hmmm....).


Ah-nold's character needs dough, so he enlists in a game show that forces him to run like a jackrabbit and survive the show's hunters that are trying to kill him. Ah-nold gets more money the longer he stays alive.


Right now we have a show titled "Survivor" that rewards folks for outlasting others...with money.


It's not a far leap to televise manhunt games and live death, now is it?


Grab your popcorn, kids. We used to be enlightened...but fuck that.


It's not as cool.


Keep your powder dry,
-Spragoo

In memoriam

In memoriam of my grandmother, Mary Jane Teague...

Her obituary from the Columbus Dispatch:

Mary Jane Teague

TEAGUE Mary Jane Teague, 80, passed away January 30, 2011. She was preceded in death by her parents William A. and Mary E. Johnson. She is survived by her husband, Kenneth Andrew "Andy" Teague; children, Mary Catherine (Tom) Sprague, Dianne (Bill Shutt) Borror and Rebecca (Mark) Evans; six grandchildren; seven great-grand-children; sister, Carmen Jean Mayo; and dear friend, Evelyn Sampson. Jane retired as a legal secretary from Bricker and Eckler Law Firm. Friends and family may gather at Beautiful Savior Evangelical Lutheran Church, 2213 White Rd., Grove City, OH at 10 a.m. Thursday, February 3, 2011. Funeral Service to follow at 11 a.m. with Pastor Kevin Westra officiating. In lieu of flowers, memorial donations may be made in Mary Jane's name to the Beautiful Savior Scholarship Fund or Mount Carmel Hospice c/o Mount Carmel Foundation, 6150 E. Broad St., Columbus, OH 43213-9924. Arrangements entrusted to NEWCOMER FUNERAL HOME, SW Chapel, 3393 Broadway, Grove City, OH.

It doesn't sum up her life, by any stretch. I'm at a loss for words, however, to try to even compress that amazing life into a blog that wouldn't do her justice.

So we'll leave it at this with a Gaelic farewell...

"suaimhneas síoraí duit, a Mham."

Eternal peace to you, Mum.


Love always,
Your grandson James